When we last saw our intrepid traveler, he was in the midst of an awkward encounter with two employees of The Shady Way Home, who were determined to properly clothe him after a rough landing in Alzheimer’s Canyon…..
“I’m not trying to be difficult. It’s just that this thing looks like a plastic diaper,” I explain to them.
“You know, hun, that’s because it is a plastic diaper. I wish I could offer you a selection of pastel colors that would be most attractive on you, but you’ll have to wait until we get back to the Home for that.”
“Hold it a minute,” I say. “I’m not going to any Home tonight. And besides, I’ve never been to your Shady Home, ever. And I don’t plan on starting anytime soon, like...ever…”
“Aw, Baby, That’s what they all say. Just give it up now, and come with us, easy.”
“You know what? NO!” I’m getting up on my high horse, now. “Think about it: what are they gonna say when you come back with a naked stranger?"
“Geez, Tiffany. The nutball might be half right. What are we gonna tell ‘em? I ain’t seen this one before.” She’s back to talking in a normal voice, just like I wasn’t there, or maybe like I’m just too stupid to understand.
Whichever, the gals in white are getting nervous. It’s time to play my trump card [no, not THAT Trump!]. “You know what? This is a problem alright, but it might be one that could be solved by a clever mind or two."
“Shut yer clam, old man. We wouldn’t even have this problem if you weren’t here.”
“What did you just say, Heather?” Tiffany wants to know.
“I said, 'Shut yer clam, old man!’”
“No, No, AFTER!”
“I said we wouldn’t have no problem if’n he warn’t here…”
“HEATHER, YOU DID IT!”
“What this time?”
“You solved our effin’ problem!!”
“Yeah. If there’s no geezer, there’s no problem.”
“Wow,” I jump in. “You two are quite something. This really could be the very best time for us to go our separate ways. And no one will be the wiser. Though I must say, it would be close to impossible to beat you two girls in the wisdom department. With no further ado, I’ll be on my way. I’d tip my hat if I had one. I suppose I could tip this diaper .......”
“NO! NO!! NO!!!"
“Just kidding, gals. Whoa, can I take some of those Animal Crackers and maybe a few juice boxes for the road?”
“Go ahead. Take these Graham Crackers too….Just GIT. Shoo!! We don’t EVER want to be seeing you again. Today, tonight, tomorrow, or anytime. And while yer at it, put on your forgetting spell, or whatever you do to get so dumb, and don’t be remembering us or The Shady Way Home nor NOTHING!! This is just another day that never happened….”
“Have a good evening, ladies."
And I’m gone.
Just as fast as these crinkly Depends will allow me...