Friday, July 19, 2019

Sky: Ha Ha Ha Lu Cin Ay Shuns

Jane: I think people would like to know about your Hallucinations. I would, anyway.

Sky: Well, it was a big surprise when they came to me. I didn’t really know what was going on. And there are different kinds of Hallucinations. The simplest kind is when I see something in a rock or a mountain or a cloud and say, “Oh, Look! There’s a dog and a puppy playing in the sky!”

The more complicated kind is when they move.

Jane: Move?

Sky: They’re very quiet when they move. Sort of like a pet, a cat walking the floor, you see them, but you don’t necessarily hear them.

Jane: Do they do anything besides move?

Sky: Oh, that’s a good question. With their quietness, they’re sort of unpredictable. Like, for example, once I saw some sea lions in the lake — they were swimming around and sitting on rocks — I guess that’s not unpredictable except that I know there are no sea lions here in Lake Champlain in Vermont!

Then there’s a whole other category. We have rock sculptures here at the lake, built by Sayer and Emma, and I see those sculptures every single day, many times over the day, and they look different every time. There are emotions going through them.

Jane: What kind of emotions?

Sky: They do a lot of watching without commenting. That way they’re sort of a mirror for us, the chance to see something new in the familiar, which is something I like to do anyway.

I saw one the other day, and I knew she was sad.

One of the biggest sculptures — that one there — she has a really wide emotional range. She’s one of the more anthropomorphic of the sculptures.

Then, sometimes when I’m riding my bike on the bike path, I’ll get the feeling that somebody or something is crowding me or they’re approaching from behind, and it gets my attention, but it’s annoying, irritating. They’re in my space and I don’t like it. But…. they’re not there. But they are there. That’s a different kind of Hallucination — a feeling one rather than a seeing one.

A few times I yell at them before I realize what they are. I don’t have names for them yet, but I should. I’m in the habit, if somebody does something dangerous or I don’t like it, I yell at them. So I do… I yell at them.

Jane: So, sometimes the Hallucinations are scary?

Sky: Yeah, especially if they are invisible! Is it a Hallucination if it’s invisible?

Jane: Are they always invisible?

Sky: Oh, no. Sometimes in the middle of the night, they’re so frightening, and very clear. The theme seems to be protecting myself, my home, my family. Someone is always asking for help, yelling even. I can’t get dressed and get there fast enough. I can’t get there fast enough. It’s awful.

Jane: What effect do they have on you at the time?

Sky: At the time, it feels just like real life, and it’s really confusing to come out of it. Because — what is Reality? What is a Dream? What is a Hallucination?

For me, Hallucinations and Dreams, they are there to help me, help me understand more, understand what’s going on for me, for you, for the world, it’s about health and wholeness (thank you, Jeremy Taylor). I feel appreciative of Dreams — and of the Hallucinations. I feel like they are something to pay attention to.

Yesterday, there was a group of teenage girls, and they were standing quietly at the edge of the swamp over there and by the time I realized that they were watching me, I realized that it was the same group that had been there recently in the past few days. They were wearing simple, brown sackcloth dresses, all the same — but they were allowed to do different things with their hair. They communicated really well without talking.

There’s a guy that comes along sometimes, I call him Mr Green, his whole body, his being is a tree, there are leaves and bark in all the right places. He doesn’t have a lot to say, but he’s watching. One time I went up to him and reached out and touched him and said hello. He acknowledged that I was there without speaking. That was really cool. I told him I didn’t want to encroach on his space, that he knew so much more about this place than I did and that I hoped we could get along together and talk about things.

Something that’s frightening that’s popping out now about these creatures, these spirits, is that each one is different. There’s not a common language that we all know, but it’s OK. But the sad part of the message I am hearing is that communicating may get strange, may get different for me. One of my fears is that communicating will be different, and I don’t want that to get in the way of communicating with my loved ones. Everybody has to be part of that and know that and give space to be with each other.

I think for many people, they are really scared of having a Hallucination, but you should just give it a chance. I feel appreciative of the work I’ve done with myself, with others, to deal with all the crap — the fear, the pain, the loss, the inevitability of death — and I think the Hallucinations and Dreams have helped.


  1. This is amazing and I love you so much.♥

  2. This IS amazing. For many reasons. Despite the cognitive challenges you are facing you are able to articulately and vividly share your experiences. I can step into your shoes for a moment and that is such a gift.

    You also guide me to think about things from a new perspective. You have always been able to do that brilliantly. You already opened my eyes to the idea that dreams can help us understand what’s going on for us. Now you are making room for hallucinations in that club. I’m not having hallucinations but I can think about the idea that something often thought of as disturbing might have a positive message for me. I just have to make room, rather than fight it. Thank you.

    I find writing to be hard work. I don’t know how it’s feeling for you these days but it’s tremendously meaningful to me that you do it.

    Mary Y