Yet again, the dust settles….
Yet again, I seem to remain alive, so,
Yet again I run through my now familiar, completely non-professional, wiggle check and overall physical assessment.
Yet again, I confirm that I remain sore but alive, with one major change: the SAN-DI-FLUSH has obliterated all signs of my clothing! Nothing left. Nada. I’m as naked as the day I was born. Man, isn’t this the icing on the cake? Am I supposed to just walk up to people and casually start a conversation, buck naked? Not in my world.
My disembodied friend will have some fun with me now. I know I would, if the tables were turned. But, luckily I don’t see him anywhere right now. “What? wait, you stupid dumbbell,” I chide myself. “Don’t hold your breath waiting to see an invisible redneck who probably doesn’t even have a neck. Use your head, DUMBASS!!”
“Oh, yeah, right,” I tell myself, making an effort to settle down. OK, once again…where am I? In a sandbox, on a mega scale? Where pebbles are boulders and boulders are massifs? In the haziness of the mid distance, I spot what might be the sandy cliff I scattered down to get here.
This is when I notice some other people in the near distance. People! Not that I’ve been doing so well with human encounters since I got on this god-forsaken detour, but I have to check them out. How else am I going to get out of this nightmare? I head over in their direction.
I don’t get far before a swarthy woman jumps into my path. Some kind of white nurse outfit covers her formidable muscles. My guess is she brooks no ill behavior.
“HONEY, HONEY, THERE YOU ARE!!” she screeches in that extra loud, extra slow, halfway musical voice reserved for toddlers. “O MY MY… DID WE LOSE SOMETHING, DEAR?” she grins, pointing at my crotch, as I cover myself as best I can with my two hands. “WHERE’S YOUR JOHNNY?”
Is this outrageous woman talking about my privates?!? What gives her the right? Give me a break. Deciding to keep to the high road, I look down my nose at her and sniff, “Excuse me, my…johnny…? I don’t know who you are, or what you are talking about, but even if I did, the location of my 'johnny,' as you call it, is none of your business,” I offer as aloofly as possible, while still clutching between my legs with as much dignity as I can muster.
“WELL. NOW, IF WE ARE GETTING ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY, GRAMPS, I WOULD REMIND YOU THAT EVERY JOHNNY WORN BY EVERY RESIDENT OF SHADY WAY HOME IS THE PROPERTY OF SHADY WAY HOME AND IS NOT YOURS TO STRIP OFF FOR WHATEVER DEMENTED REASON STRIKES YOUR BIZARRE FANCY.”
“HUN, YOU WERE WEARING IT WHEN YOU WANDERED OFF AND I DON’T SEE IT NOW. WHERE’S THAT JOHNNY? YOU CAN’T BE DOING THIS, DEAR! NOW, WALK THIS WAY,” she commands, swinging sternly around and marching toward the other people. I try to resist the urge to swing my butt, copying her sturdy sashay as we make our way back to the others.
[This place is playing tricks on me…I said “back to the others.” Like I’ve been there before. Yeah, right! And that nurse acted like she already knew me. No way, Jose….]
When we finally make it back to the others, I notice a group of old folks playing in the sand with miniature shovels and pails. They look at me with mild interest, then, at the direction of Nurse Ratchett, they get back to work.
I also notice they are all wearing the same outfit: a lightweight nightie that snaps up the back. A few are wearing what looks like diapers underneath. Weird or what?
There’s a second nurse and the two of them start in talking as if I were completely invisible. [maybe I was?!]
“Can you believe it? He was out in the quadrant stark-jumping naked. NAKED!! UGLY AS THE DAY IS LONG!”
“GOD, these geezers give me the creeps everyday!”
“Of course, we got no backup johnnys, just our first aid kit…”
“I KNOW! Wrap some tape around that ugly butt, and call it good.”
“Sounds like a lot of work….and then we gotta pull it all off when we get back to the Home? UGH!
“WAIT! WAIT!! We got any empty diapers left?”
“Yeah, but we don’t know if he needs ‘em…”
“He needs ‘em if we say he needs ‘em!”
“HAH! You right!
“OK, HUN. YOU EVER WORN THESE BEFORE?” She says to me, holding up a plastic monstrosity. ”JUST LAY DOWN HERE. NOW!"
“Wait a minute. Wait a minute!” I protest.
“LOOK, BABY, THE MORE YOU FUSS, THE LONGER IT TAKES. AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT NEITHER OF US HAS EXTRA TIME FOR SHENANIGANS. SO, LET’S GO!"